Cracks Beneath the Surface

I feel as if right below the surface, there a millions of tiny cracks running through me. Each day, new cracks are added: new stresses, new fears. One day, there will be no room for any more cracks, and I fear I will just crumble.

Aria got to me yesterday. She knew my every step, she knew what was happening on the ship. She even knew I wasn't on the shuttle that she detonated. That was her warning, perhaps next time I won't..we won't..be so lucky. The whole evening was absolutely horrifying, but the thing that scares me the most is I almost lost Han. Han is the superglue that holds me together and without him, I feel like I would just shatter. She has made me feel vulnerable, so vulnerable and I don't know how much more I can take before I just fall apart.

Trying to process..

So, the one thing I never imagined happening in my life has come to pass. I don't know what to make of it and am having a very hard time dealing with it. You would think a woman who withstood a mind probe by Darth Vader, who watched as her home planet was destroyed, who watched the one she love get tortured and frozen carbonite, who was chained to a disgusting slug named Jabba the Hutt would be able to handle everything. This is different. Too many conflicting emotions. I want to do what's right, I am trying to do what's right but I keep failing. Force give me the strength to put aside my own emotions and be happy for them...don't let me trample my father's happiness...help me to deal..