So close

I had Vader in my grasp once and for all. He was rendered weak and I stole him away from Luke's ship, brought him to his home on Coruscant, stood above him with light saber poised ready to plunge it through his heart. Going through my mind was his cold black mask as he was torturing me on the Death Star, his cold hands on my shoulder when Alderaan was destroyed, and the most painful, seeing him torture my beloved Han. I was doing this for them, for all of us. He has shown no love for me, never has he acted as a father to me. He has been a tyrant and finally the galaxy would be rid of the one who takes pleasure in our pain, in our heartache.

I slowly began to lower the lightsaber and I stopped. New visions began to pop in my mind, visions sent by Vader. Visions of him lying in bed with Padme, resting his head on her belly, knowing he had a daughter, being THRILLED he had a daugther. I saw the visions and dreams he had for me: rocking me to sleep, looking lovingly in his arms at a sweet baby with Padme's face. Playing games with me, teaching me to pod race, loving me. Him picturing me being married one day, walking me down the aisle. Wanting me to follow Padme's steps into the Senate. All these dreams rushed in my head and at that moment I knew, despite the anger and hurt I feel for him..despite the distrust..despite the heartache he has caused me..that he loves me. He always has but for whatever reason the force has put us on a path where those dreams, his dreams could never be realized. With that, I couldn't do it. I dropped my saber and left. I LEFT. He was mine for the taking and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it...maybe...I love him too.

I Need You...

Another sleepless night for me, father. I keep replaying recent evens in my head, like a holo on repeat, and then my exhausted mind turns to you. How I long to talk to you, how I long for a hug and to hear you whisper, "Everything will be ok, Leia. Stay strong." As I strain in the dark to hear those words, the only sound I hear is the faint beep of various machines and security devices.

I wonder if you can see me, if you can hear me, if you approve of what I've done. Ever since I was a small girl I worshiped you. I will never forget the times you would steal me away from the hustle of the castle, and we would race through fields of wildflowers, laughing, enjoying the tranquility. I recall you being away on various diplomatic missions, but when you would return, after a formal welcome home dinner, usually you would offer your arm to me and we would walk the gardens. How I enjoyed the stories you regailed me with about various antics on the Senate floor. The concern you had about the uprising of the Empire. As a small child, I just thought of the Empire as "the bad guys" but the older I grew, the more I understood what the Empire represented. Your cause became my cause, and I fought and have continued to fight so hard to keep our dreams afloat for a better galaxy. I hope I have made you proud.

I really wish you were here, father. I need you..I can't do this alone..

Who is this girl staring back at me?

This morning I looked in the mirror and stared at the reflection. Staring back at me was a young lady with beautiful hair fix neatly in buns, clothes neat, nothing out of place. To the normal observer, I look the same. I look closely and wonder if anyone else notices the hollow hurt in my eyes, that my skin is more pale, that my eyes have a bluish tint under them from lack of sleep. I stare at this girl, this woman,and wonder, "Who are you? I use to know you, but I don't recognize you anymore." Life changes us, decisions change us, and yesterday I saw a side of myself that some consider great strength in leadership. If it such a great strength, why do I feel so terrible.

Vader had two of troop captive. They had been imprisoned since he boarded the Tantive IV years ago. He tortured them brutally asking for imformation they would not have been privvy to. I offered to take their place, just give them their freedom and he would not. He requested I meet him privately, alone, to discuss the situation. While I went with the best intentions of meeting and compromising, it was clear from the start that his method of compromising was using manipulation and fear tactics to get me to sign a treaty between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire. To further the manipulation, he then escorted out one of prisoners, bloody and beaten and told me for once I would witness the results of my actions. Sometimes I think Vader believes because I had a privileged childhood that I have not known pain. Was he NOT there on the Death Star while I was being tortured? I had sworn my allegiance to the Alliance..I believe in that cause with my whole heart. I can't betray millions of supporters for my personal, selfish motives and because of that millions on my home were destroyed. A piece of myself died that day. And while this time we were dealing with just two, a piece of myself died yesterday. I would have given anything to set them free, even cut off my own hands with a light saber, but Vader's one request was sign the treaty. I considered it, but Vader operates under Palpatine control and I am no fool. To sign that treaty would be signing over our freedom of choice, signing over everything I had fought for, everything my father had died for to save two people. Two people would have been free, but at the cost of millions of lives being under Empire control. I could not sign it, ran to save one prisoner, and Vader agreed to spare their life..as long as they join the Empire..and they did. THEY DID. Because of fear..because of manipulation and that frightens me. Who's next? How loyal are those who pledged their support to the cause? And was I wrong to put the Rebellion ahead of two lives? I feel terrible, but what choice did I have? I was alone per Vader's request while he had troops surrounding, any move on my part and he could have force snapped my neck. I had no choice.

I hate myself sometimes..and today is one of those days.