Who is this girl staring back at me?

This morning I looked in the mirror and stared at the reflection. Staring back at me was a young lady with beautiful hair fix neatly in buns, clothes neat, nothing out of place. To the normal observer, I look the same. I look closely and wonder if anyone else notices the hollow hurt in my eyes, that my skin is more pale, that my eyes have a bluish tint under them from lack of sleep. I stare at this girl, this woman,and wonder, "Who are you? I use to know you, but I don't recognize you anymore." Life changes us, decisions change us, and yesterday I saw a side of myself that some consider great strength in leadership. If it such a great strength, why do I feel so terrible.

Vader had two of troop captive. They had been imprisoned since he boarded the Tantive IV years ago. He tortured them brutally asking for imformation they would not have been privvy to. I offered to take their place, just give them their freedom and he would not. He requested I meet him privately, alone, to discuss the situation. While I went with the best intentions of meeting and compromising, it was clear from the start that his method of compromising was using manipulation and fear tactics to get me to sign a treaty between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire. To further the manipulation, he then escorted out one of prisoners, bloody and beaten and told me for once I would witness the results of my actions. Sometimes I think Vader believes because I had a privileged childhood that I have not known pain. Was he NOT there on the Death Star while I was being tortured? I had sworn my allegiance to the Alliance..I believe in that cause with my whole heart. I can't betray millions of supporters for my personal, selfish motives and because of that millions on my home were destroyed. A piece of myself died that day. And while this time we were dealing with just two, a piece of myself died yesterday. I would have given anything to set them free, even cut off my own hands with a light saber, but Vader's one request was sign the treaty. I considered it, but Vader operates under Palpatine control and I am no fool. To sign that treaty would be signing over our freedom of choice, signing over everything I had fought for, everything my father had died for to save two people. Two people would have been free, but at the cost of millions of lives being under Empire control. I could not sign it, ran to save one prisoner, and Vader agreed to spare their life..as long as they join the Empire..and they did. THEY DID. Because of fear..because of manipulation and that frightens me. Who's next? How loyal are those who pledged their support to the cause? And was I wrong to put the Rebellion ahead of two lives? I feel terrible, but what choice did I have? I was alone per Vader's request while he had troops surrounding, any move on my part and he could have force snapped my neck. I had no choice.

I hate myself sometimes..and today is one of those days.