I am a life ruiner...

If I were to describe my night by emotions and feelings in the order they occurred, it would go a little something like this: nervous, anticipation, relief, touched,cherished, loved, desired, used, manipulated, sick, angry at self, disappointed, and yet wanting more.

Kark, I should emblazon my chest with a big scarlet letter.


How could I be so foolish? I have a wonderful man at home, who I have built my life with. He loves me and I love him. Truly, I do. Yet I was willing to risk him and our love over a powerful attraction to another man.

I could make the typical excuses one might make when they find themselves in a situation similar to this.

I could say I was lonely. ((which I am, Han has been away for quite some time and when he is home either he is resting or scouting out new venture))

If I really spoke the truth, the pure, simple truth, it would be that the pull Dak has over me is the fact that he makes me feel important, appreciated. He seems to genuinely care about me and my ambitions, and I bought into the idea of him hook line and sinker.

Now, I am paying for it. I risked my family, my reputation, and my career for my own selfish desires. I look in the mirror and I do not like the person I see standing there.

Some may say I am too hard on myself, that is was one (OK maybe 3) kisses. Those kisses should have never happened though. I will just throw myself back into my work and forget about my heart and pray to the Force that Han will forgive me..